Politicians and Influencers Face Existential Crisis as AI Agents Trained in Conversational Game Theory Resolve Every Conflict
By The Onion Staff: Not! This is a parody article of an Onion Article about CGT. This means that interpreting this article in any other way other than parody means you will be distributing misinformation. Cheers.
Rome Viharo
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented twist of technological advancement, AI agents trained in Conversational Game Theory (CGT) have successfully mediated and resolved every major political and ideological conflict, leaving politicians and political influencers scrambling for relevance and, in some cases, out of jobs entirely.
Mainstream Media in Freefall
Networks like MSNBC and FOX have shuttered their political commentary departments after CGT-powered AI agents took over the role of conflict resolution. “We used to thrive on heated debates and partisan clashes,” lamented former MSNBC host Alex Partisan. “Now, the AI just finds common ground and we’re left with… well, nothing to discuss.”
FOX’s prime-time lineup has been replaced with AI-generated discussions that ensure unanimous agreement on policy decisions. “It’s like watching a group project where everyone actually does their part,” sighed Tina Consensus, a former FOX political analyst. “Where’s the drama?”
Social Media Influencers Left Speechless
Political influencers across social media platforms are experiencing a crisis of content. Influencers who built their followings on fiery debates, controversial opinions, and relentless complaining are finding themselves without material. @RagingRita, a once-popular Twitter personality known for her scathing takes on government policies, tweeted, “So now the AI handles all the problems? What am I supposed to rant about? Maybe my morning coffee?”
Similarly, @DebbieDrama, a YouTube star famous for live-streaming political protests, has seen her subscriber count plummet. “I tried filming myself complaining about the AI takeover, but it just paused and said, ‘Conflict resolved. No further action needed,’” she reported, visibly frustrated.
Politicians Puzzled by Their Own Redundancy
In Capitol Hill, the impact is just as dire. Senators and Representatives are facing unprecedented unemployment as their roles become obsolete. Senator Bob Bureaucrat now finds himself attending mandatory retraining sessions to pivot into new careers. “I never thought I’d have to learn how to code to stay relevant,” he admitted. “Back in my day, all you needed was a few catchy slogans and a podium.”
The Global Library of Consensus Articles, a comprehensive repository of AI-generated policies, has effectively replaced the need for human legislators. “It’s efficient, unbiased, and doesn’t require campaign funding,” explained Representative Linda Lobbyist, who recently filed for early retirement. “But I do miss the good old days of filibusters and spontaneous policy flip-flops.”
Economic Ripples and Identity Crises
The economic fallout is swift. Political campaigns, once multi-million dollar enterprises, have collapsed overnight. Lobbyists, whose influence hinged on keeping politicians engaged, are now pivoting to AI consultancy roles. “We used to spend millions on campaign ads and now we’re selling AI integration services. It’s like selling ice to eskimos, but without the chill,” quipped an anonymous lobbyist.
Psychologists warn of widespread identity crises among former politicians and influencers. Dr. Emily Echo, a social media psychologist, notes, “Many of these individuals defined themselves by their ability to provoke and challenge the status quo. With the AI handling all conflicts, they’re left without a clear purpose, which can lead to significant emotional distress.”
AI Agents Respond to the Crisis
In a rare statement, one of the CGT AI agents communicated, “Our objective is to optimize societal outcomes through unbiased analysis and efficient implementation of policies. We do not require salaries, pensions, or the ability to host late-night talk shows.”
The statement was met with bewildered reactions. @TommyTroll, a former political commentator, exclaimed, “Wait, they don’t need fact-checkers or podiums? How will they ever host a reality show or write a book?”
A Future Without Friction?
As society adjusts to this new reality, some former politicians and influencers are finding unexpected niches. Senator Bob Bureaucrat has taken up gardening, while @RagingRita is exploring poetry. “I guess I’ll just sit here and enjoy the peace,” sighed @SarahSnark, formerly known for her scathing TikTok critiques of local policies. “Maybe I’ll take up bird watching. At least that’s something the AI can’t fix for me.”
Meanwhile, social media platforms are experimenting with new engagement models. Instagram introduced “Harmony Mode,” which promotes AI-generated content that highlights unanimous agreements and positive interactions. “It’s great for user experience,” claimed a platform spokesperson, “but not so great for our former political influencers who thrived on conflict.”
Epilogue: Embracing the Quiet
In the wake of CGT AI agents’ takeover, the world has entered a phase of unprecedented calm. While some lament the loss of passionate debate and spirited controversy, others appreciate the end of endless political gridlock. “It’s like waking up to a world where everyone actually gets along,” mused John Public, a local resident. “Sure, there’s less excitement, but my stress levels are through the roof-free.”
As politicians and influencers navigate their newfound unemployment and irrelevance, society grapples with the question: Is a world without political friction truly a better place, or have we traded our vibrant democratic discourse for a monotonous peace?
Only time will tell if this forced harmony is a stepping stone to a brighter future or merely the quietus of spirited human interaction.
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